


a heart is to be spent

by hardlystraight



Category: The Bright Sessions (Podcast)
Genre: M/M, Swearing, also dr. bright is not a main character, caleb pov, if you're watching this show and you're put off by swearing idk what to tell you
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-17
Updated: 2017-05-17
Packaged: 2018-11-01 20:13:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,184
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10929237
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hardlystraight/pseuds/hardlystraight
Summary: And he thinks he knows what it is, the warm red that's almost pink but not quite - because pink is lust, he knows that, sickly sweet like sugar, it's the want the need curling around his hips and fogging up his mind - it's redder and warmer and there's no expectation in it, no desire for sex or food or apologies, not like fervour or hunger or hurt.I’ve had it with all stingy-hearted sons of bitches.  A heart is to be spent., Stephen Dunn, Sixty





	a heart is to be spent

**Author's Note:**

> this is narrated from caleb's subconsious, i know in all our heads we are more well-spoken than we are out loud. He may not be articulate out loud but that boy has a lot to say.

It's heady.  _God_ , it's heady, it's overwhelmingly distracting and instantly recognisable, like someone's thrown a warm blanket over his brain and fried his circuits.  Like he's lost all function and his mind is in the dark, but it doesn't matter because the warmth in his chest and on the apples of his cheeks more than make up for it.

Fucking metaphors.

And he thinks he knows what it is, the warm red that's almost pink but not quite - because pink is lust, he knows that, sickly sweet like sugar, it's the _want_ the _need_ curling around his hips and fogging up his mind - it's redder and warmer and there's no expectation in it, no desire for sex or food or apologies, not like fervour or hunger or hurt, it just _is_ , settling gloriously in his mind and taking him away from whatever conversation he's in the middle of, whatever stinky mood he's stuck in - be it his or someone else's.

He recognises it in himself first, it grows in his chest and he realises a new emotion has been blooming for months under the surface.  When Adam's eyes grow crows feet while he laughs, when he's trying to keep his eyes open during a movie marathon, after his home games when Adam sprints towards him and jumps into his arms, locking his wrists around Caleb's neck and mumbling _I'm so proud of you_ into a kiss on his forehead.

When he feels it in himself, he can recognise it in Adam, too.  It's more random when it's from Adam, which is understandable, but it's almost the exact same colour.  It just pops up, spikes, during his games, when they see each other in the halls.  When Adam is draped across him, while they're eating takeout.  It's sudden, then it fades back into the background.  He wants to tell Adam,

 

"I think we both know what that feeling is, Caleb." Dr. Bright is feeling happy today, happy for _Caleb_ , and he knows his parents are proud of him for finding this boy who seems to keep him sane.  Knows how Alice adores Adam and how they crack good-natured jokes about him behind his back.  Knows that this has been happening for a few months now and it's getting, you know, real.  The cold yellow becomes slightly grey - colours are always cold with Dr. Bright, he knows it's because she needs to stay detached from her patients - and she puts down her pen.

"Why are _you_ worried?" He watches a small smile pull at her lips and she places her clipboard aside.

"I may not be an empath, Caleb, but I can tell you're more worried than I am.  Besides, this is about you.  What is it?  Are you concerned that you're falling too hard, too quickly?" And it isn't that, it's just that he has so many people reliant on him, on this relationship, if it goes to shit where will he be left?  It already bombed once.

"I-" Fuck, he's so much more articulate in his brain, "I just don't want this to end, you know?" _understanding, encouraging_ , "And y-you're right, it is moving quite fast, and God it's so _good_ …" _fondness, happiness again, for Caleb_.  He tries to speak around the smile pulling his lips around.  His poker face is for shit, he knows that.  "He cares for me so much and makes me feel so … so … fuck, it's indescribable." Dr. Bright nods along, a smile on her own face.  And that's just it, isn't it?  "There's just so much riding on it, and if we hit a wall again, I worry that … that … " _reassuring, questioning,_

"Do you have any reason to think the relationship is going downhill, Caleb?"

"No, no, no … I … if it _does_ , I know my parents and Alice will be disappointed, so will you and-and he won't be able to drown out the fucking … noise from fucking school and I … " He doesn't finish.  Sympathy fills Dr. Bright from beside him, even empathy, which is weird to be on the receiving end of.

"All relationships have the potential to end.  Relationships in themselves are the act of putting your trust in someone and relying on them.  While attachments can become … dangerously reliant, I don't think what you and Adam have is co-dependency.  You genuinely care for one another, and whether or not you're in love-" an irrational burst of fear claws at his heart at the phrase "-the fall out will have … unfortunate results, if the two of you end up terminating the relationship.  I know it's scary, Caleb, but the threat of a break up will always be there.  Focus on the good, focus on the love, focus on the relationship and fix it where it's broken  Don't fret about what may be."

A balloon seems to pop in his chest, the fight drains out of him.

"But we're … " Dr. Bright's questioning eyes stay fixated on his face.  It makes him squirm.  "We're - I’m - different.  God, it's hard to explain, I-"

"I know a relationship between an atypical and a non-atypical may be difficult, but," Dr. Bright gives him on of her small smiles again, "relationships have been forged under worse circumstances." There's a flicker of regret, then, "Let me rephrase - under more difficult circumstances.  I know you may feel a pressure to maintain the relationship, that maybe it isn't as private as you'd like." Caleb's shoulders slacken in relief.  That's what he was trying to get at - the way Adam seems to be a recovery tool for him, instead of a boyfriend, how he feels the crushing expectation of others to stay happy with Adam.  Dr. Bright's pity is less insulting this time.  "But as long as you communicate with Adam, the relationship will be fine.  If it does become difficult, we can address it then, okay?"

"Okay."

"Is there anything else you wanted to," The vibration of his phone interrupts Dr. Bright, but there's no resentment, just amusement, "go through?" It's been forty minutes, and his concerns are out of the way, he thinks.  At least for now.  Besides, he can feel Frank entering the building and, all due respect, he doesn't think he can be eloquent when there's another empath in the room.  Not that he's particularly eloquent usually.

There's a spillage of _green_ in his thoughts, Adam is in the building as well, slowly taking over his mind as he makes his way towards the elevator.  There's gentle ding and soft, lofi hip hop music plays as he takes the elevator down, closer and closer to Adam.

He can feel when he stops on the same level as Frank, who takes the stairs.  The two feelings come to a head, wild, stringy reds and blues and yellows meeting warm green, then the lift moves down and Frank moves up, the singular excitement of Adam waiting for him overcoming his confusion.  And that warm-red feeling flourishes in his chest, making his heart seize, sending gooseflesh across his skin, pushing warmth into his cheeks.

The elevator doors open and the feeling comes flooding right back at him.


End file.
